I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again
But I’ll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You’d die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

…

cái lý trí và cái cảm giác chống chọi đối ứng nhau đã làm đứng ngồi không yên cả tuần qua.

muốn khóc mà nước mắt không chảy. vẫn lỳ như ngày nào.

muốn cười nhưng ngượng ngạo khó chịu vì cảm thấy dối trá với bản thân mình. loa qua cho qua chuyện và rồi cũng đã sống sót để qua hai ngày vừa qua.

đến nay, trạng thái vẫn còn bất an.

love always,

:]♥

mind has its own brain (lame, i know.) and like everything else in your life, if you don’t control it, it will control you.

i am lack of discipline. there, i said it. phew! i’m not saying i am admitting it because i have principles and i do practice what i preach.

wait, what the heck i am writing? lemme start over again.

Mind has its own brain (still lame.) and like everything else in life, it will possess you if you don’t learn to control it. the constant monkey chattering will consume your thoughts and days; therefore, in order to control the result/outcome of your goals/life, you must first be in command of yourself…and that springs from thoughts (which created in your mind. blah blah.)

i am lack of self discipline. there, i admit it. sometimes i let my mind thinks its own thoughts, the never ending rambling like right now. i have the habit of writing late at night (although it did get better at time but now i’m back to square 1) when my mind at its most burnt out and when i am most tired i type my life away…. that’s an outlet to let it all out.

my heart tightened as my mind flies. for example, just as many times i think of him and not missing him and then convince myself that i missed him, etcetera. and from the result of lack of self-discipline, i fooled myself. beautifully. i am in a constant reminder of my failure. i am in a constant counting of minutes and seconds. i am in a constant deceptive emotions…of which induce me to connive in the clouding of my judgment and visions.

however, lately i’ve been forcing my mind to remember unpleasant memories. funny sentence but it’s true. that’s how i see it. i look at the calendar and mark the day to signify its importance (when it is just like any ordinary day.) “forgive but not forget” is somewhat an oxymoron statement. but it’s true. however yet the best is always “forgive and forget.” it’s the ability to look beyond the boundaries, set new principles, have self control and move forward. in order to have self control and moving forward, one must start with a self-discipline (which I lack) and keep on pedaling. don’t get me wrong, i don’t hate, i don’t hold grudges, i don’t abhor things or anyone. i don’t keep negative feelings in me for a long period of time because i don’t like them. however, i do get upset and annoyed time to time. but i have the tendency to remember memories, even the unpleasant ones. when i’m bored and conjuring them up, i don’t feel a thing…just a slow process of dissecting the situation, learn something from it, like what i did and how i can improve myself and then put the pieces back together. i often do that in my quiet time…but now with my lack of control, it’s popping up unexpected and more often than invited. i realize i’m criticizing myself too much and too often and it annoys the heck out of me right now.

anyhow, i know that only my thoughts and my actions matter in the end; because thoughts lead to actions, which form habits, habits decide characters and characters creates destiny; so working on discipline myself is a must right now.

or maybe working on the cure for my insomnia first.

love always,

:]♥

when i got into the car heading home for lunch, it said 102 degree. it was horridly hot. in this kind of heat, it always concerns me of how daddy gets home from his coffee place. in a normal temperature weather, he walks his 2-3 miles everyday. and so, i made an offer with daddy that if the heat wave hits us, i will drive home everyday to pick him up, take him home and go back to work during lunch time.

but he doesn’t listen to me, he thinks that i’m crazy to do so and that it’s tiresome. what he doesn’t understand is that i like to do so. i like talking to him. i like driving him. i like taking care of him. like he did and still does for us.

i remember back home, whenever it was raining outside, i would sit in my chair, at the front door with Miki, my then dog, by my side waiting for daddy to come home. i remember just as he pushes his bike in house, there would be a towel waiting for him to dry off. what i was worrying then too was his new phân khối bike gì gì đó because it was fast and newly imported. i heard it was dangerous so i worried for him, driving fast in the rain and such. stupid, i know but hey, as a kid, you get scared when someone mentioned something deadly and specially when it was from TV too. anywayz, i with my towels then because i didn’t want to see my daddy soaked up in the rain as i and my taking dad home now because i don’t want to see my daddy being burnt by the sun.

daddy is one of the few people in my life who can understand me. some of my characters are pretty much like his. i think because i was being brought up under his guidance makes him sympathize with what i am going through in life. and i have to say, people are often underestimate the fonding between a father and his daughter. to me, i think there are no words to describe the understanding and love which it brings.

so i didn’t drive him home today because mom was ahead of me, but i got a date with my daddy! i went to dinner with him today. we went to a restaurant which we haven’t gone to in a long time. daddy ordered his usual, steak. although we didn’t talk much but his presence means so much to me. comforting feeling. i was looking for comfort. it’s the first thing and the last thing i need for today.

i guess dad knows what to say best because he said something which i will need to carry with me as a stepping stone to move up and forward. i know he’s the best daddy ever!

thanks dad for being you.

love always,

Q :]♥

hôm nay tuy bịnh nhưng cũng dắt Lilo ra park cho nó chạy bộ. dạo này nó ở nhà buồn hiu nhìn tội nghiệp lắm. À, càng lớn, nó càng biết đi giao du kết bạn. Ra park, nó thấy con nít hay con gâu gâu khác là nó vẫy đuôi chạy tới làm quen. trông nó dễ thương lắm.

hôm nay ở ngoài park, mình thấy một người đàn bà độ 50 tuổi, da rám nắng, ăn bận tươm tức, đang đứng cho bầy ngỗng và vịt ăn. Sau khi để ý cử chỉ của bà, mình thấy bà có vẻ ngại nên mình quay sang chổ khác. cũng vì vậy mà mình thấy bà có cái xe đẩy chứa đồ trong đó và cái bình nước khá to. không biết có bà có phải là homeless hay không nhưng điều đó không quan trọng vì mình có cảm giác mến bà ta lắm. mình nghĩ bà ấy nghèo vật chất nhưng mình biết chắc bà ta có một tấm lòng Bồ Tát. bà chia sẽ những gì bà có cho những “người” không có. tâm tính Bồ Tát ấy không phải ai cũng có vì đời có lắm người ít kỷ, tuy cái Ta hơn cái Người, nhưng vì vậy mà họ không biết chia sẽ dù đã có nhiều và đạt được nhiều trong đời sống. (trong đó, có mình.)

nghĩ xem, bầy ngỗng và vịt đó không biết bà giàu nghèo ra sao nhưng chúng nó được vui và được một bụng no nê ngày hôm nay. (mình nghĩ trong park chắc có đề bảng cấm cho súc vật ăn nhưng không biết có ai cho chúng nó ăn hằng ngày không?) Đồ ăn bà cho chúng ăn không sang trọng gì, đó là bịch corn chip bà bóp vụn. là một người biết chút ít về đạo phật, mình lạy bà và lòng Bồ Tát của bà một lạy. là mình, mình cám ơn bà đã làm những gì mình không nghĩ đến và đã cho mình thấy thiện hữu trong đời.

quả thật Project Q có tiêu chỉ non-profit org for the have-nots. nhưng có lẽ vì con người có lòng tham vọng, nên mình muốn mở thật to, thật lớn. những chuyện nhỏ như cho chó mèo súc vật hoang ăn, tuy có thể làm được hằng ngày và khả năng trong tầm tay, nhưng mình lại không thường nghĩ đến hoặc làm. năm rồi, mình signed up volunteer cho 5 organizations nhưng không có chổ nào gọi. hôm trước có nhắc đến Project Q với người bạn để hỏi ý kiến start up và vì she có nhiều contacts, (thì cũng kể lể chuyện xin volunteer mà không chổ nào gọi cả) she nói mình nên show up in person mà xin volunteer (vì nhiều lúc họ bận rộn, không có thời gian coi applications) rồi học process luôn. nghĩ lại, nếu không start up được cái Project Q thì ít ra mở website rồi để đó. có lòng mà không có sức cũng đủ rồi, ít ra mình get it out there không phải ôm vào lòng rồi lo mãi.

“muôn vạn lời chẵng bằng hành một chữ” hôm nay thấy vui vui lắm vì trong sách cũng nói và chính mình cũng đã thấy được vậy, Bồ Tát sống có trên đời, trong mỗi con người, chỉ cần chú trọng đến cử chỉ và tấm lòng là sẽ thấy và làm được ngay thôi..