I feel this song. It reaches to a new level of depth in my emotions.

You do something to me, something deep inside

I’m hanging on the wire for a love I’ll never find

You do something wonderful then chase it all away

Mixing my emotions that throws me back again

Hanging on the wire, I’m waiting for the change

I’m dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame

an’ feel real again


You do something to me somewhere deep inside

I’m hoping to get close to a peace I cannot find

Dancing through the fire just to catch a flame

Just to get close to, just close enough

To tell you that…


You do something to me something deep inside.

He asked if I knew Etta James and the song that she sang “At Last” . I didn’t and he introduced it to me by singing this song to me this night three years ago saying this song is for me.

At last my love has come along ♥

At Last - Etta James

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
And my heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
You smiled, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last

Tonight, three years later as we’re listening to the old song again, he said:
“Thank you for putting up with me all these years.”
“It’s not like you’ve not been putting up with me.”
“Hmm”
“Do you love me?”
“Why do you think I’ve been putting up with you all these years?”

a thrill that i have never known
=) yup! at last! ♥

i haven’t felt like this in a long time. i mean i hadn’t seen him for a couple of months due to work work work. I started to let my feelings go. i started to wonder. my feelings were about to draw blank. knowing that i love him and yet missing something. but i always have this strange feeling every time i see him at the airport. just kinna wanna let go. afraid to fall in love again. that tingling feeling. frighteningly wonderful. am i in love? yes. but falling…one fabulous feeling. it’s wondrous. yes. every time i see him. fallin’ in love all over again.i love the feeling of holding him in my arms and being held again. i love hearing that unfamiliar voice, face, body which i always long for. just odd but awesome.

i remember the first time i ever saw him. we acted like we were on the phone still. he was talking to me and i zoned out. completely. i remember me being stranger to him because i couldn’t put his presence and his voice together. i had to close my eyes and listened to that voice. the familiar vocal. warm. soft. lovingly. then the hello? are you there? can you hear me? cracked us up. we laughed so hard because we realized we’re no longer on the phone. the proximity is frighteningly fearful because there’s the voice i love and yet i can also reach out and touch him. strange desire. odd thoughts. warm feelings.

so i did crack like an egg seeing him leaving on the plane again. it’s been a year. our meetings are numbered and yet our conversations are countless. long distance relationship isn’t that bad. just the separated parts, where i have to take him to the airport his leaving and he for mine. i cried a lot this time. i felt awkward myself. i’m usually one tough cookie. but yes. i cracked like an egg. oh yes i did.

so there, some good parts and some ugly. i like the feelings being with him. seeing him laugh. the image is more vivid now. we took pictures together, which is odd because i’d never taken any pix with people i date. but i did. with him now. first time. awesome. yes. pix or no pix, i do hold him and his images dearly in my heart. always.

I’m as guilty as the next convict. Sometimes I look at the clock and be thinking about three hour time zone ahead. I know I shouldn’t. My boyfriend lives two time-zones away and not three. Then I realized. It must be D. He used to live in New York. He used to call me when he got off work, everyday. He used to come to CA every two weeks to hang out with his friends and would stop by to see me everyday while he was here.

I was 14 when we first met. As a person who lived in the States less than 2 years then, you could imaging how my English was. He, who was born in Vietnam, came to the France when he was 2 months old and to the States when he was 2 but speaks French and English his entire life. He stayed in France with this grandparents during summers and in the States for school year. We used to call my English and his Vietnamese “Com Tam” because they were so broken. I, sometimes, still wonder how we can conversate with one another. By words, by signs, or by hearts?

Poor as we were, my family and I lived in a ghetto appartment just a couple of blocks from the ocean in Long Beach after moving from New Orleans. He, who lived in upscale New York, visited his “ghetto” friends who lived in my appartment complex. I never paid much attention to those who live surround me because I rarely, almost none, talked to them. But I remember: I was cleaning my glasses outside in the drive-way. He came forth, looked at me, and smiled. He spoke in strange language–it was English alright; but for a person who could only sing the first 2 verses of the Purple Dinosaur Barney’s “I Love You” song, every word that was coming out of his mouth was like French to me. I had my eyes wide open, starred at him and was well wondering what that guy was saying and why he was smiling.

He was 17 then but finished High School the year before. His father was a successful Vietnamese business man, who married a French woman, his mother. D has a look of European touched Asian. He was gorgeous. Heavenly like. Warm, charming, and bright. We started talking, seeing each other on the playground. I learned my English from him, he started speaking Vietnamese with me. It was fun, innocence, and magical. We grew up with each other, learnt from each other, and bonded with one another but never a relationship.

He asked me to marry him once every two years. When I was 18, 20, and the last was 22. Each time, I pushed him away. I shut him out of my life. Completely. I asked him to go back to France to be with his family since he was by himself in the States. In tears, he told me that I am the only family he has after his father passed away. All he know was me. I was greatly touched. I saw the engagement ring he bought for me years back the last time I saw him. He was wearing it as a pendant for his necklace. Beautiful ring. Beautiful person he is. But I guess ignition for a romantic relationship between he and I never sparked, at least on my end. Through those eight years, we hugged, held each other and gentle kisses on the forehead from him to me. For eight years, he had never done wrong but respect and a great friend. I miss him sometimes.

It’s amazing to know how someone’s come and gone in your life but never left your heart. They touch your heart deeply because they care for you like no others do. If you do find one, hold on to them. They might be one of the greatest relationships you’ve ever known in your life, be it romantic, platonic, or just friends.

Most relationship started by a simple “Hello.” In my case, it was all started by him saying: “So, you wear glasses. I do too.”

what’s the deal with love? and what’s the deal with being in love?

i often question why people are holding on to the love that there is no future? why staying with someone when deep down in their heart they know they’ll not going to spend the rest of their life with or still be in the relationship with five years from now?  why waste their time and energy with someone who doesn’t care for them? what is the deal with this kind of love? what is the deal with being in love?

i believe in every relationship there’s a need for passion, commitment, fun, caring, communication, and love. the three letter words “i love you” only doesn’t mean a life time commitment. in love, it is like a competition, it is clearly shown in the beginning who is the winner–winners are those who love and loved in return. they get to spend their best years with the one they love. they are the ones who don’t let their pride cloud their hearts, and the pettiness wrong their judgements. they are the ones who don’t play games or trying to control their love. they love for what is and constantly remind themselves why they fall in love in the first place. they are the ones who know when they’ve lost, when to let go and when to move on. those are the winners in love.

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