Lucky


Only Death is permanent.

People can think that I’m dramatic. Heck, as if I care. The only thing on my mind and in my heart right now is you’re no longer here.

It’s hard in life to find a person you can talk to, can laugh with, and share and talk freely about your thoughts, opinions and emotions to.

It’s been a good journey knowing you. It’s been a fun year with you shared your time with me.

I chatted with you a lot but never noticed you have Bruce Lee as your avatar. I’ve never paid attention to anything…including that. The last chat conversation you sent which I didn’t reply: May 2 @ 6:05 PM: dinner yet? Com hen 0?

And now when I log on, I see kvu2211 is not available to chat.

It hit me hard. Knowing that I lost a very good friend. I lost someone who genuinely cared about me, who wanted to hang out with me, who wanted to spend time with me.

I shut down when anh Son told me the news. I started shaking. My hand squeezed on tight on the wheel. I felt my emotions shut down as pain penetrated its way into my heart. I drove. I kept on driving. I smiled. I started to smile to conceal what I felt inside. I didn’t know what it was but it got me. I knew it got me because I couldn’t feel anything except pain. I didn’t even think pain was even a word for it. “Oh, God, it hurts. My heart hurts.” That was all I knew to how to describe it. I’ve been saying those seven words the past three days now. I said them over and over again but it didn’t go away. It hurts badly.

I wished I could cry the past days. I wished I could let it all out. But now I want it to stop. I can’t stop crying now. Tears, one by one keep, on falling…and like a robot, I keep on typing. Maybe, this is it. Typing my pain away.

I can still hear you calling me “Tám.” I can still hear you laughing. I can still see you in your white benzi, stopped, I hopped on and we go to go to dinner together. I can us at Marshall and how you make fun of me of the hats I tried on. How you laughed when you saw me turned green in 24 hours fitness. How you laughed when I told you things, what we said and happened at Chuồng Heo. You wanted to know everything about VsF. How you laughed when you saw me dropped my ring in tô bún mắm and then picked it up, mút it and wear it again.

My heart clenched. It hurts. You were a very close friend. You took care of me. You were like a brother to me. You were there for me at one of the lowest points in my life.

I miss you. I really do.

It’s funny how you can go on for days, thinking nothing about the person because in your heart, in your mind, you’re so sure that they are doing well without your presence. Then days turned into months, and then you realized they’re still a part of you even though they’re not there. You go on living and didn’t realize the importance of a phone call or a text or “hi, how are you doing?” You didn’t realize the life you lead carries you away from people. You become self-absorbed. You think about yourself and your immediate family and not the long lost friends who were there for you when you needed care/love the most.

The last time I was in the car with you, you were listening to Jason Mraz. I told you that I just downloaded the CD too. I liked “I’m Yours” and you liked “Lucky”. We talked a bit about that, how I used to like the song but not anymore. You laughed when I told you my reasons. You never fought with me. You just laughed.

I was lucky, knowing you, being your friend.

Whenever I hear this song playing, I’ll think of you, anh Kha.

Only Memories live on.

Rest in peace.
11.17.10