i haven’t felt like this in a long time. i mean i hadn’t seen him for a couple of months due to work work work. I started to let my feelings go. i started to wonder. my feelings were about to draw blank. knowing that i love him and yet missing something. but i always have this strange feeling every time i see him at the airport. just kinna wanna let go. afraid to fall in love again. that tingling feeling. frighteningly wonderful. am i in love? yes. but falling…one fabulous feeling. it’s wondrous. yes. every time i see him. fallin’ in love all over again.i love the feeling of holding him in my arms and being held again. i love hearing that unfamiliar voice, face, body which i always long for. just odd but awesome.

i remember the first time i ever saw him. we acted like we were on the phone still. he was talking to me and i zoned out. completely. i remember me being stranger to him because i couldn’t put his presence and his voice together. i had to close my eyes and listened to that voice. the familiar vocal. warm. soft. lovingly. then the hello? are you there? can you hear me? cracked us up. we laughed so hard because we realized we’re no longer on the phone. the proximity is frighteningly fearful because there’s the voice i love and yet i can also reach out and touch him. strange desire. odd thoughts. warm feelings.

so i did crack like an egg seeing him leaving on the plane again. it’s been a year. our meetings are numbered and yet our conversations are countless. long distance relationship isn’t that bad. just the separated parts, where i have to take him to the airport his leaving and he for mine. i cried a lot this time. i felt awkward myself. i’m usually one tough cookie. but yes. i cracked like an egg. oh yes i did.

so there, some good parts and some ugly. i like the feelings being with him. seeing him laugh. the image is more vivid now. we took pictures together, which is odd because i’d never taken any pix with people i date. but i did. with him now. first time. awesome. yes. pix or no pix, i do hold him and his images dearly in my heart. always.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

–e.e. cummings