I woke up in the middle of the night, through the dim light on my desk, I saw my mother holding Lilo and gently stroking her fur. For the first time in two weeks, I saw Lilo stayed quite when being held, being petted, being touched. She fell asleep in my mom’s hands. Gentle. Peaceful. Calm.

Seeing my mom sitting on the floor and petting Lilo touched my heart. I have never seen that softer side of her. Caring. Loving. Warm.

I wonder if one day I have children, will I be gentle and loving like my mother?

I found myself wake up 2 in the morning and again at 4 just to put a blanket on her so she could stay warm. When she calls me in the middle of the night beside my bed, I would be up, hold her and play with her for a bit then put her back to her crate. I found myself care for her food and water and make sure that she eats. I would sit next to her watching her eating her meals, because if I got up and leave, she would follow me and ignore her meal.

Everyone in the family says that Lilo loves me, but little do they know, she also loves teething, especially with my fingers. My hands and arms got scratched but I don’t mind. I love playing with Lilo, running around the house with her, petting her, combing her fur, and playing tug war.

I wonder if one day I have children, will I be good to them? Will I be gentle? Will I take care of them as good as a mother should? I don’t know.

Too many uncertainties in the future. Too much worrying for the uncertainties. Right now: One step at a time.