me not being able to sleep at night is nothing new. just a routine. i need to break that habit.

i guess a friend of mine is right (you know who you are so: shhhh!)  that the ‘what if’ lingers on because at this time right now, i’m ready for a relationship but don’t have time to do so. i mean, after september 5th, i’ll start my new job, fulltime and this semester i’ve enrolled in 5 courses. that’s a workload. and to think about getting a boyfriend is like a luxury, which i dont think time allows me to afford. i won’t be able to hang out with him often or talk to him much, and as a matter of fact i don’t think i can afford a social life right now. not much in any way. so if getting a boyfriend, he has to be able to understand of what i’m going through right now, be supportive and not asking much from me because i will do as much as i can as the best girlfriend i could be and that might not be to his full expectation. that would hurt him. and what hurts him will hurt me. and i don’t want that. i want to give all the happiness to him. because he’s special to me. because i’ve picked him out of all the people. because i love him.

and i rarely fall in love. but i did. just once. because love means hurt and pain if the relationship ends. and i can’t afford to get hurt again. to be pained again. because when i love, it roots me deeply. so deep inside, that it hurts. a lot. a whole lot when it’s being pulled out. when it’s not there. when it’s gone. there will be a hole. a deep hole that i want to cover it all by the oblivion but i can’t. and then comes the darkness. it’ll swallow me whole. and i’ll cry. i’ll cry a lot. until no more tears to cry. as the heart bleeds. and there’s no bandage or cotton or anything in the whole wide world that can mend it. nothing can. so i would just sit there. hoping that one day it would heal up. all by itself. bit by bit. and in the mean time, i’ll tumble through life, put on a happy face and smile. because if you didn’t know, only love’d be the death of me.

but love is a luxury to me right now. i don’t think i can afford it. and i certainly don’t date for fun. i’ve never had. i haven’t been in a relationship for two years or more and yes, the certain loneliness is there but i’m not desperate to find love. i never was because i’m not afraid to be alone, without a relationship that is. i’ve learned to love life alone. life can be lived, life can be loved alone (ok, i actually quote the Phantom’s lyrics–sorry i’m a fan!) but don’t get me wrong, i’m not afraid of love or being in love or be in a relationship. i’m just afraid that i can’t give that person a meaningful relationship like he wanted to. i’m afraid that i can’t be there for him as much. be there to give him all the attention he deserve. i’m afraid that i might pain him. and i don’t want that. because like i said, he’s special to me. because i’ve picked him out of all the people. because i love him. because he’d be the death of me.

so what i’m looking for now is a sincere selflessness person. who would love and adore me whole heartedly. who would understand and not asking much. i know it’s selfish. very selfish of me. but that’s the only relationship i can afford now. and for now, in return, he would have my whole heart. every part of it. its beatings. its life. my breathe. until i can get through school. finished building up my life. got a concrete education. then life begins. then he’ll have the whole me, a real girlfriend as she should be. but where to find a guy who would put up the selfishness like that for now? who would love me whole heartedly and not asking anything in return? and wouldn’t leave me  in the mid of it?

you see? have a relationship is almost impossible for me right now. i can be all crazed up and partly confused time to time. oh heck. all of the time. but i know my limits. i know what i can offer right now and i know what i ask for is too much. but i don’t want charity. i certainly don’t take pity. i want it real if love is given to me. i don’t sell myself short, and i certainly not desperate to be in a relationship to grab anything at hand. i don’t settle because i know what i can offer later on in life, in my relationship.

it’s ok if i don’t have it now because i can always wait. and so i wait…