Be Yourself.

today, one of my classmates asked me why i didn’t seem to be afraid when doing presentations. i told him i was trained to be a public speaker. in the public speaking course i took, we had to do 36 speeches, major and minor ones. he asked which was best speech i’ve ever given. i told him it wasn’t one but three: one on my culture, one on inspirations and the other one was on my best friend. that’s when i realized why i like Dicken’s novels so much. it is not because of who i am as a character–main character since it is my life–but it is the supporting casts surround me: my family, my friends, the people i associate with and (urgh) my exboyfriend. they were and are fascinating people. they made and shaped me to be the way i am. one by one i will introduce you to the people who have such influences in my life. let’s start with one of the speeches i gave. This was my speech on one of my memorable days, the speech was delivered in March ’03. and it started:
I have a permission of a friend to tell this story. Don’t deny. Be true to yourself.

I came to US ten years ago. I didn’t know much about any thing or anyone. Just like any public school, they kept on pushing students to the next level of education. they pushed me to high school. i was 14 then, freshman, and i met this one incredible guy. it was odd to see an caucasian guy with an asian girl back then. well, not odd, but in high school, you tend to spend your days with your “people.” i guess i was the black sheep, i spent my days with caucasian folks. Anyhoo, he was the sweetest guy i’ve ever met. we talked days and nights, we shared with each other secrets and hey, i learned my English from the guy.

So after years in high school, we headed to college, during the waiting period of the summer, he sent me an email saying: “Q. i’m out!” and my reply was: “honey, it’s about time!” and for those who don’t know what “i’m out” means, it meant “out of the closet aka i’m gay!” like i said, he was the nicest and sweetest guy i’ve ever known…come on, a sweet guy like that and not gay, it’d be too good to be true. to continue the story, the next 2 years were the best years ever. we hung out, we huged, we held each other, we checked out guys together. i mean, how cool is that? you know like having a sister and can talk about guys asking for girly advices and also feedbacks from the guy point of view. that was like buy one get one free. got a gay guy and you got both female and males point of views and the best part is the comforting… holding, hugging didn’t mean he was taking advantages of me…i mean i felt safe because you know…he’s gay!

One early morning in April 2000. by early i mean, early. he called me at 5 in the morning asking me to take him to breakfast. i was grouchy, you know, at 5 AM. my beauty sleep but i took him anyway. we went to Denny’s. over breakfast, he told me that “today is the day that i’m going to tell my father” i looked at him like “are you out of your mind?” but he said being hiding the truth from his parents is the thing he no longer wanted to do. i supported that and i always will. at 8 AM, we went to the beach–the Long Beach beach–it was cold out. we saw an older gentleman in his 30s with his twin boys playing on the sand with the crashing waves. He told me he wanted a family like that. a guy like that, not that bit of older but a family. a happy family. i put my head on his shoulder and pondering: don’t we all?

At 10, we went to the bank and cashed out all of his saving. All he had was 200 dollars. he told me he bought the train ticket to New York. He’s going live in New York if his father denies him. We both took a deep breath on Ocean Blvd. He held me tight and said: “I’m scared, Q. I’m scared!”

He was about to have a nervous breakdown. i’ve never seen him so stressed out. he told me: “Remember in Mr. T’s class? Tina Turner got her empowerment from praying to Buddha? “Namo Amitabha“. Q. I’m scared. i need empowerment. Can i have the praying beads?” i handed it to him, my Buddhist praying beads. and til this day, he still has the praying beads. anyhoo, i told him to call me if he needs me. i had to take the Math test at 12, his father was not going to be home until 2:30 so it’d work out just fine. after my test, i’d drive to his house for support. we agreed on the arrangement. i took him home for packing…you know, in case…and i went to class.

It was the quickest test i’ve taken. it was a math test and i was done in 45 min. i mean i didn’t even have my mind to do the test. so anyhoo, i got out of class…and 1 missed call. some strange number. and 1 voice message. all choked up from tears i heard his trembling voice: “Q. He hit me. I told him and he hit me…he pushed me…he doesn’t want me in his house…i’m out, Q.”

I was shocked and amazed. i went on for 2 weeks thinking, worrying about him and how he was doing. on May 12, he called me. all happily in New York with 200 dollars, found a job at a grocery store after 3 consecutive days on the train. but it was all worth it. he found freedom, he found himself.

The reason i’m telling you the story was because he plays a very important part in my life. he is my best friend and the one who’s taught me to be true to myself. he didn’t hide his difference. he embraces it all. he started his new life in New York with 200 dollars in his pocket. but now a nurse in NY hospital. he pursued what is right, what felt right for him. he didn’t deny his sexuality eventhough it was less popular. eventhough it was against his father’s wills. he doesn’t deny himself. because you can pretend or lie to anyone but you can’t decieve yourself… being himself is what he does best. what he’s proud of and i’m proud of him.

And just to let you guys know how “proud” and “being true to himself” he was. a couple of weeks ago when NY had a blackout. he called me on the phone, saying: “Q. oh mah gawd, it’s so dark. i’m so freaking scared. i’m now hanging half of my body outside the window from the 3rd floor so i can get the reception for my phone. guess what girlfriend? it’s amazing! today i walked pass the mirror that they have at the hospital, you know the big mirror, so i stopped. looked at myself and thought: “DAMN! I’M CUTE!”

-o0o-

That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of the thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day. –Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations