me not being able to sleep at night is nothing new. just a routine. i need to break that habit.

i guess a friend of mine is right (you know who you are so: shhhh!)  that the ‘what if’ lingers on because at this time right now, i’m ready for a relationship but don’t have time to do so. i mean, after september 5th, i’ll start my new job, fulltime and this semester i’ve enrolled in 5 courses. that’s a workload. and to think about getting a boyfriend is like a luxury, which i dont think time allows me to afford. i won’t be able to hang out with him often or talk to him much, and as a matter of fact i don’t think i can afford a social life right now. not much in any way. so if getting a boyfriend, he has to be able to understand of what i’m going through right now, be supportive and not asking much from me because i will do as much as i can as the best girlfriend i could be and that might not be to his full expectation. that would hurt him. and what hurts him will hurt me. and i don’t want that. i want to give all the happiness to him. because he’s special to me. because i’ve picked him out of all the people. because i love him.

and i rarely fall in love. but i did. just once. because love means hurt and pain if the relationship ends. and i can’t afford to get hurt again. to be pained again. because when i love, it roots me deeply. so deep inside, that it hurts. a lot. a whole lot when it’s being pulled out. when it’s not there. when it’s gone. there will be a hole. a deep hole that i want to cover it all by the oblivion but i can’t. and then comes the darkness. it’ll swallow me whole. and i’ll cry. i’ll cry a lot. until no more tears to cry. as the heart bleeds. and there’s no bandage or cotton or anything in the whole wide world that can mend it. nothing can. so i would just sit there. hoping that one day it would heal up. all by itself. bit by bit. and in the mean time, i’ll tumble through life, put on a happy face and smile. because if you didn’t know, only love’d be the death of me.

but love is a luxury to me right now. i don’t think i can afford it. and i certainly don’t date for fun. i’ve never had. i haven’t been in a relationship for two years or more and yes, the certain loneliness is there but i’m not desperate to find love. i never was because i’m not afraid to be alone, without a relationship that is. i’ve learned to love life alone. life can be lived, life can be loved alone (ok, i actually quote the Phantom’s lyrics–sorry i’m a fan!) but don’t get me wrong, i’m not afraid of love or being in love or be in a relationship. i’m just afraid that i can’t give that person a meaningful relationship like he wanted to. i’m afraid that i can’t be there for him as much. be there to give him all the attention he deserve. i’m afraid that i might pain him. and i don’t want that. because like i said, he’s special to me. because i’ve picked him out of all the people. because i love him. because he’d be the death of me.

so what i’m looking for now is a sincere selflessness person. who would love and adore me whole heartedly. who would understand and not asking much. i know it’s selfish. very selfish of me. but that’s the only relationship i can afford now. and for now, in return, he would have my whole heart. every part of it. its beatings. its life. my breathe. until i can get through school. finished building up my life. got a concrete education. then life begins. then he’ll have the whole me, a real girlfriend as she should be. but where to find a guy who would put up the selfishness like that for now? who would love me whole heartedly and not asking anything in return? and wouldn’t leave me  in the mid of it?

you see? have a relationship is almost impossible for me right now. i can be all crazed up and partly confused time to time. oh heck. all of the time. but i know my limits. i know what i can offer right now and i know what i ask for is too much. but i don’t want charity. i certainly don’t take pity. i want it real if love is given to me. i don’t sell myself short, and i certainly not desperate to be in a relationship to grab anything at hand. i don’t settle because i know what i can offer later on in life, in my relationship.

it’s ok if i don’t have it now because i can always wait. and so i wait…

Be Yourself.

today, one of my classmates asked me why i didn’t seem to be afraid when doing presentations. i told him i was trained to be a public speaker. in the public speaking course i took, we had to do 36 speeches, major and minor ones. he asked which was best speech i’ve ever given. i told him it wasn’t one but three: one on my culture, one on inspirations and the other one was on my best friend. that’s when i realized why i like Dicken’s novels so much. it is not because of who i am as a character–main character since it is my life–but it is the supporting casts surround me: my family, my friends, the people i associate with and (urgh) my exboyfriend. they were and are fascinating people. they made and shaped me to be the way i am. one by one i will introduce you to the people who have such influences in my life. let’s start with one of the speeches i gave. This was my speech on one of my memorable days, the speech was delivered in March ‘03. and it started:
I have a permission of a friend to tell this story. Don’t deny. Be true to yourself.

I came to US ten years ago. I didn’t know much about any thing or anyone. Just like any public school, they kept on pushing students to the next level of education. they pushed me to high school. i was 14 then, freshman, and i met this one incredible guy. it was odd to see an caucasian guy with an asian girl back then. well, not odd, but in high school, you tend to spend your days with your “people.” i guess i was the black sheep, i spent my days with caucasian folks. Anyhoo, he was the sweetest guy i’ve ever met. we talked days and nights, we shared with each other secrets and hey, i learned my English from the guy.

So after years in high school, we headed to college, during the waiting period of the summer, he sent me an email saying: “Q. i’m out!” and my reply was: “honey, it’s about time!” and for those who don’t know what “i’m out” means, it meant “out of the closet aka i’m gay!” like i said, he was the nicest and sweetest guy i’ve ever known…come on, a sweet guy like that and not gay, it’d be too good to be true. to continue the story, the next 2 years were the best years ever. we hung out, we huged, we held each other, we checked out guys together. i mean, how cool is that? you know like having a sister and can talk about guys asking for girly advices and also feedbacks from the guy point of view. that was like buy one get one free. got a gay guy and you got both female and males point of views and the best part is the comforting… holding, hugging didn’t mean he was taking advantages of me…i mean i felt safe because you know…he’s gay!

One early morning in April 2000. by early i mean, early. he called me at 5 in the morning asking me to take him to breakfast. i was grouchy, you know, at 5 AM. my beauty sleep but i took him anyway. we went to Denny’s. over breakfast, he told me that “today is the day that i’m going to tell my father” i looked at him like “are you out of your mind?” but he said being hiding the truth from his parents is the thing he no longer wanted to do. i supported that and i always will. at 8 AM, we went to the beach–the Long Beach beach–it was cold out. we saw an older gentleman in his 30s with his twin boys playing on the sand with the crashing waves. He told me he wanted a family like that. a guy like that, not that bit of older but a family. a happy family. i put my head on his shoulder and pondering: don’t we all?

At 10, we went to the bank and cashed out all of his saving. All he had was 200 dollars. he told me he bought the train ticket to New York. He’s going live in New York if his father denies him. We both took a deep breath on Ocean Blvd. He held me tight and said: “I’m scared, Q. I’m scared!”

He was about to have a nervous breakdown. i’ve never seen him so stressed out. he told me: “Remember in Mr. T’s class? Tina Turner got her empowerment from praying to Buddha? “Namo Amitabha“. Q. I’m scared. i need empowerment. Can i have the praying beads?” i handed it to him, my Buddhist praying beads. and til this day, he still has the praying beads. anyhoo, i told him to call me if he needs me. i had to take the Math test at 12, his father was not going to be home until 2:30 so it’d work out just fine. after my test, i’d drive to his house for support. we agreed on the arrangement. i took him home for packing…you know, in case…and i went to class.

It was the quickest test i’ve taken. it was a math test and i was done in 45 min. i mean i didn’t even have my mind to do the test. so anyhoo, i got out of class…and 1 missed call. some strange number. and 1 voice message. all choked up from tears i heard his trembling voice: “Q. He hit me. I told him and he hit me…he pushed me…he doesn’t want me in his house…i’m out, Q.”

I was shocked and amazed. i went on for 2 weeks thinking, worrying about him and how he was doing. on May 12, he called me. all happily in New York with 200 dollars, found a job at a grocery store after 3 consecutive days on the train. but it was all worth it. he found freedom, he found himself.

The reason i’m telling you the story was because he plays a very important part in my life. he is my best friend and the one who’s taught me to be true to myself. he didn’t hide his difference. he embraces it all. he started his new life in New York with 200 dollars in his pocket. but now a nurse in NY hospital. he pursued what is right, what felt right for him. he didn’t deny his sexuality eventhough it was less popular. eventhough it was against his father’s wills. he doesn’t deny himself. because you can pretend or lie to anyone but you can’t decieve yourself… being himself is what he does best. what he’s proud of and i’m proud of him.

And just to let you guys know how “proud” and “being true to himself” he was. a couple of weeks ago when NY had a blackout. he called me on the phone, saying: “Q. oh mah gawd, it’s so dark. i’m so freaking scared. i’m now hanging half of my body outside the window from the 3rd floor so i can get the reception for my phone. guess what girlfriend? it’s amazing! today i walked pass the mirror that they have at the hospital, you know the big mirror, so i stopped. looked at myself and thought: “DAMN! I’M CUTE!”

-o0o-

That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of the thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day. –Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations

I found parents who discipline their children by spanking or hitting are the most pathetic barbarous people ever breathe on the face of the earth. It’s one of the classic examples of bullying, and the worst part is the child doesn’t even have a chance to defend or run away.

Went to dinner at my aunt’s house and witnessed my cousin’s husband ”disciplined” his son, who is 2.5 years of age, because the child didn’t want to eat. this barbaric man was forcing his son to eat by jamming the spoon of rice into his mouth while yelling: “You better eat dinner or I’ll hit you!” Alvin, my nephew, was crying his lungs out, choking on his own tears, and gasping for air. The father took the chopstick and start hitting on the child’s legs. My parents, uncle, aunt, and i were shocked. We told him not to force Alvin to eat or hit him and leave him alone to cry because no one can eat under a terror situation while crying and obviously we can’t eat while witnessing the act of devil this guy doing. His wife said nothing and he had the audacity telling us “the more anyone interfering the way i discipline my chilren, the more the child is going to get hit.” We were beyond upset but had shut our opinions for the child’s shake. To top this situation off, he showed some affections to Alvin by holding him and asked: “Was it hurt when i hit you?” and i thought: what a fake, if i use a stick to hit you, would it hurt?

i grew up with the belief of discipline without punishments or hitting/spanking. love and affection would do the trick, all the time! my parents have never hit or spanked me.. they’ve never raised their voice, they always use calm tone to talk to us, my older brother and i. in my family, we always joke around, having fun, making fun of one another. we’re occasionally grouchy but always end up ok. i remember one time i did something really bad, i saw my father sighed and my brother cried but they didn’t yell at me. they gently told me how disappointed they were and shared with me their words of wisdom. that hurt me more than any physical damages.

love is the best weapon that my family is using against my rebellious way. everytime i was about to do something (bad or wrong) the first thought was: would i disappoint my family? will i hurt them in any ways? the fear of hurting them emotionally and mentally is far worse than the fear of going home and get spanked/hit physically. i grew up in love and not in fear.  that is the best blessing i have in life.